Thread: The Daily Mash

Never seen it before but pmsl at:

ALBERTO Aquilani has been loaned to Juventus after manager Luigi Delneri revealed himself to be a keen jigsaw collector.

Image
The red bits take ages
The Liverpool midfielder has struggled to hold down a regular place in the side since the lid from his box went missing. He was sidelined for two months after half of his leg disappeared, eventually turning up in a kitchen drawer in the Anfield canteen.

Delneri said: "We've got him for 12 months and I hope to have the edges of his head finished by Christmas. I think we got a bargain because Liverpool kindly threw in a Kerplunk with half the straws missing."

It has been a busy summer in the transfer window for Liverpool as manager Roy Hodgson off-loaded Rafael Benitez's final batch of signings including the eight marmosets the Spaniard was trying to train as both defenders and electricians.

Meanwhile defensive midfielder Javier Mascherano is currently into his 18th day of holding his breath until they let him move to Barcelona.

Hodgson has also signed goalkeeper Brad Jones from Middlesbrough, primarily for his experience of playing football in the Championship 'for reasons that will become increasingly apparent as the months go on'.

But the biggest surprise is Liverpool managing to hold on to Fernando Torres, with all of the major club managers deciding they no longer want to take him as their lover.

Chelsea's Ian Ancelotti said: "When he was blonde, he was sort of like a cross between a newborn deer and Paris Hilton and made for some very wonderful dreams.

"But now he just looks like a big dirty boy. No thank you."

FECK

CHRISTIAN doctors are regularly sending patients home with a course of Testament, according to new research.


Lazarus didn't need antibiotics
Patients with a variety of complaints have been advised to rest, drink plenty of fluids and seek everlasting salvation through the grace and glory of the son of God three times a day until they're dead.

Meanwhile it has also emerged that one Christian GP sent an elderly woman in Knutsford to heaven after inducing a second stroke in a bid to turn the other cheek to the first one.

Send on the Guinness
SEND ON THE GUINNESS
Carlisle taxi driver Roy Hobbs said: "In my line of work I'm easy meat for hemorrhoids but my GP just sent me away with that verse from Corinthians about love being patient and kind.

"I came back a week later and told him that love was not really doing it for my backside, but he just told me to forgive my arsenuts for they knew not what they did. Then he smiled serenely through his beard and asked me to join him in a rousing chorus of Lord of the Dance.

"I can't sit down."

The London University survey found that 12% of doctors described themselves as 'religious' even after comparing the story of Lazarus with the large body of medical literature on the subject of being dead.

Those 12% were found to be 60% more likely to refuse palliative care for the terminally ill in extreme pain, preferring to tell their patients not to worry as they would soon be in the loving arms of Archangel Brian.

Julian Cook, a abdominal surgeon from Peterborough, said: "I like to get in there, have a poke about, see what Revelation has to say about gall bladders and then let Jesus close for me.

"I was so sure that someone would have stopped me by now. Good old Jesus."

My daily mash consists of aunt bessies mashed potatoes and some asda chicken.

and pepper. lots of pepper.

Originally Posted by StanleyBard

FECK

CHRISTIAN doctors are regularly sending patients home with a course of Testament, according to new research.


Lazarus didn't need antibiotics
Patients with a variety of complaints have been advised to rest, drink plenty of fluids and seek everlasting salvation through the grace and glory of the son of God three times a day until they're dead.

Meanwhile it has also emerged that one Christian GP sent an elderly woman in Knutsford to heaven after inducing a second stroke in a bid to turn the other cheek to the first one.

Send on the Guinness
SEND ON THE GUINNESS
Carlisle taxi driver Roy Hobbs said: "In my line of work I'm easy meat for hemorrhoids but my GP just sent me away with that verse from Corinthians about love being patient and kind.

"I came back a week later and told him that love was not really doing it for my backside, but he just told me to forgive my arsenuts for they knew not what they did. Then he smiled serenely through his beard and asked me to join him in a rousing chorus of Lord of the Dance.

"I can't sit down."

The London University survey found that 12% of doctors described themselves as 'religious' even after comparing the story of Lazarus with the large body of medical literature on the subject of being dead.

Those 12% were found to be 60% more likely to refuse palliative care for the terminally ill in extreme pain, preferring to tell their patients not to worry as they would soon be in the loving arms of Archangel Brian.

Julian Cook, a abdominal surgeon from Peterborough, said: "I like to get in there, have a poke about, see what Revelation has to say about gall bladders and then let Jesus close for me.

"I was so sure that someone would have stopped me by now. Good old Jesus."

If I had cancer and a doctor recommended I do that I'd knock the fuck out of him before kicking his laptop out the fuckin window.

Stroked me I just realised that website is a piss take.

I'm just after 10 vodka redbulls and a bottle of buckfast. blem that.